Graduation and the Circle of Life

Earlier this year, in the spring, I was asked to write a short letter to each of my two nieces who were graduating from high school.  It’s a tradition to gather letters from people when you graduate, so I determined to do my part and made it a goal to do it before they graduated, which did not happen.

Both Emma and Grace are beautiful, healthy, and intelligent young ladies.  Both have already started classes this fall, moving away from home and leaving a hole in the lives of their parents and younger sisters.  I have plenty of memories of both to write about and lots of pictures as well.  My delay in writing these letters was not so much procrastination as it was distraction. 

My primary distraction this summer was the impending birth of my granddaughter, Evelyn Rose.  Having your daughter pregnant for the first time is distracting, but now that she has given birth the anticipation is over, and we now have a wonderful young lady to introduce to everyone.

One special person we introduced Evelyn to was her cousin Warren.  He was excited to meet her, even if she didn’t notice.  Over time they will spend a lot of time together.  These are the first of many pictures of what will be an expanding group of cousins, with Warren and Evelyn being the oldest.  We have LOTS of pictures of Emma and Grace together.  In fact, it’s harder to find pictures of one without the other.  I find my memories of the two of them are the same; they were always together in my mind.

This summer I attended my 40^th Lafayette High School reunion, and so this was a source of distraction for me as well.  Reunions make you wonder how your childhood friends “turned out”; you wonder how their lives have gone.  Perhaps 40 years is not quite enough to make a final judgement on such things but if you cared about your friends then you want to know how they are doing. They seem to be doing fine. 

Reunions bring back a lot of memories and stories and smiles and reunions also make you think about what it means to “do well” or “not so well”.  Graduations are also times when we think about what it means to be successful in life.  I think a lot of the ideas that we hear at Graduation ceremonies are good ones, but none of us remember any of those speeches at our 40^th Reunion.

Many of the kids that started school with me at Ellisville Elementary in the 1960’s were there at my 40^th reunion, and we all gathered for a picture.  Those little faces are all frozen in my mind forever, even if there may have been a few wrinkles added here or there.  We started out as a random collection of glue eaters and nose pickers whose parents had randomly chosen Ellisville to raise their kids in, and we ended up the mature adults that showed up to reminisce and catch up on a beautiful night in August. 

Mr. Lantz would test us in the 50 and 100-yard dash, and sit-ups and pull-ups and softball throw.  Some kids did better than others, some were stronger while others were faster; and some were neither.  Likewise, some did better at Math or English than others, and some were good at both and some were good at neither.  Some were skinny and some heavy; some were attractive while others of us were, um, not so much.  Some of our parents had more money or education but for the most part we lived in similar houses and wore similar clothes.

Ellisville was a suburb, and suburbs were new things in the 1960’s.  Most of us came from families that were new to the area while only a few had deeper roots.  My parents moved to Ellisville in 1961.  Both of my parents had grown up in Kentucky; Dad on the farm and Mom on the outskirts of a very small town.  They had no experience with suburban living or factory work or how to live in Ellisville in the 1960’s.  Neither had been to college.  Mom didn’t drive. But they made friends and did their best.

September 1^st would have been Emma and Grace’s Grandpa’s 90^th birthday (He died almost a decade ago).  He and Mom were married over 50 years and raised four kids and 10 grandkids.  Dad worked hard and had a good long career with a single company.  He died from lung cancer at 79 but otherwise he was healthy.  Both girls have been fortunate enough to be able to spend a lot of time with their Grandma Rose, and both are still close with their other Grandmothers.

For a hundred and fifty years the Rakestraws lived in western Kentucky and farmed the land.  In the late 1950’s Mom and Dad picked up and moved us to Missouri.  Grace and Emma were born in Missouri from parents who were born in Missouri.  They are both going to college in Missouri.  Grace’s Dad married a girl from Westphalia and Emma’s Mom married a boy from Vandalia, small towns instead of suburbs.  We have been a Missouri family for 60 years now.

I don’t know what kind of world Grace and Emma will inherit from my generation, much less what kind of world they will leave for Warren and Evelyn.  The world has changed a lot in the last 40 years, and by the time Grace and Emma reach their 40^th Reunion it will be a much different place than it is today.  I do know that for most of us life is not a series of award shows.  It is a series of life events, some of which we choose and some of which are thrust upon us.  It’s our job to plan and choose and then react the best we can to what comes.

What I do know is that both Emma and Grace are lucky to have the tools they need to handle what they will need to.  Some of this is genetic; they are fortunate to be on the good side of the genetic bell curve in a lot of categories.  But much of it involves the loving care of good parents and teachers and friends and neighbors.  (And Uncles) 

They are not the same, of course.  Grace is half Patterson, and Emma is half Hilsabeck.  Grace is from Westphalia and Emma is from Vandalia and Augusta.  Grace is taller.  But more than that…in Grace I see my brother and in Emma I see my sister.  Not just in terms of appearance, but in terms of personality as well.  We are the product of both our genetics and environment, and we will necessarily reflect the personalities of those who raise us.

John Wooden defines Success as “peace of mind obtained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you are capable.”  Of course, this requires that you define what it is that you are going to do your best at.  Stephen Covey suggests that we “Begin with the End in Mind” and think about what we want our lives to look like looking back on it from the end.  Once you have a clear vision of what “goal” you are aiming at you can determine how well you did.

When we graduated from high school there was a blueprint that we were to follow to “assure” our success.  From high school we were to go to a four-year college (Mizzou would be fine) and get a degree and then get a job and get married and have kids and move up in the company and get a bigger house and a nicer car a little further out in the suburbs.  If we just did this, we were told, everything would be fine.

I heard that from my parents, as did many.  Of course, my parents had started their life in rural Kentucky and had never been to college.  He was the first in his family to move to a suburb and work in a factory but he and Mom knew that the plan would work and so we all trusted that they knew what they were talking about. It’s great to have a plan but as I told my daughter this summer, “planning is essential but once the battle begins plans become worthless’.

It wasn’t a bad plan for us, as it turns out.  But when I started school at Rolla, I could almost pay for it working summer and part time jobs.  College was incredibly inexpensive when the Class of ’79 graduated, and the education available at UM-Rolla was an absolute bargain for the price.  But things have changed in the last 40 years.  College is much more expensive, and too many are ending up with a lot of debt and poor job prospects.  For them, the formula did not work.

As your Uncle I want you both to have 2.3 kids, a new Dodge Stratus, and a nice house at the edge of suburbia.  I could tell you what to study and who to marry and to go with a certain blend of stocks and bonds and how to move up in the company, but I don’t think the world is going to stay still long enough for these rules to work.

Instead of Rules, you should follow Principles.  I would suggest a couple that are important.  The first comes once again from John Wooden and it is to “Never try to be better than someone else”.  Learn from others and be the best you can be.  Remember that your reputation is what you are perceived to be while your character is who you really are.  Concentrate on your character and your reputation will take care of itself.

The second Principle I would offer is that as much as possible you should avoid being in debt.  I don’t know what the future holds for the economy, but I do know that in any economy it is better to save money and to avoid going into debt.  Saving a little money while you are young is much more powerful than putting away a lot of money when you are older, because math.  Just do it.  And pay off the debt.

Figure out what you are good at.  Mr. Lantz had a stopwatch and the 100-yard dash was the same for everyone.  We all quickly fell into a bell curve.  Mrs. Collins taught long division the same way year after year.  It was easier for some and harder for others.  If you know you are talented at something and perhaps not so talented at another, then act accordingly.  If you have a passion for something, then act accordingly.  But don’t do anything because “They” expect you to.  There is no “They”.  “We” expect you to look at your passions and strengths and weaknesses and match them the best you can to the world that presents itself to you.  The only rule is that the electric bill will have to be paid.

You get to choose your story.  You get to set your own goals.  You get to decide what pictures go into your photo album.  Not everyone has to go to college or get married or have kids.  You can choose your career and where you want to live and who you want to live with.  But the world changes, as it did with Mom and Dad, and we can’t go back and live in their world because it’s gone now.  The world of Ellisville in the 1960’s is also gone.  And the rate of change is accelerating.  When Evelyn graduates from high school in 18 years she will face a different world than Emma and Grace face today.

If you choose something that you are good at, that people need, and that you have a passion for, and if you work hard, I believe you will do fine. 

Remember to maintain balance in your life.  Life will get tough and you will sometimes lose focus.  Develop a set of core principles to guide you.  I have a rough outline I use.  If I feel anxiety I can always go “back to basics”, and it sometimes helps to remember to breathe or eat or run. 

• Health – physical, mental, spiritual – Run, Read, Pray
  • If you don’t eat right or exercise, or if you don’t properly feed your brain and your soul then you will not reach your full potential.
• Wealth – Work, Save, and don’t Borrow – Make a Budget
  • No matter what happens with the economy it makes sense to be financially responsible and having enough money to pay the electric bill reduces stress.
• Family – Your Team
  • This is your Family Tree you are creating, and it matters. To all of you.  And all of us.
• Character - Integrity
  • Develop a set of ideas to guide you and then align your words with your thoughts and actions. 
• Society – Others
  • Deal peacefully and fairly with others and make the world better.
    

Those of us who graduated high school 40 years ago can look back at our photo albums and we can get an idea of what has been important in our lives.  Who is in your photo albums?  What are they doing?  What are the things that you have done that meant enough to you that you made sure you got a picture of it?

Your photo albums, like your memories, will have vacations.  There will be friends, from high school and college and work.  And there will be birthdays and anniversaries and births and weddings and graduations and reunions and some concerts and campouts and sporting events.

Do me a favor as you go along and get pictures of the people that you love doing the following.

• Standing under a Big Rock
• Playing Rook
• Sitting on a beach
• Opening Christmas gifts
• Watching family videos
• Riding in a 4-wheeler
• Wearing a silly costume
• Standing in line with a plate-sometimes china, sometimes paper.
• Sitting around fires
• Getting cold drinks from Granny’s garage
• Eating, eating, and eating
• Gathering for the birth of a child
• Gathering for a wedding
• Gathering for graduations
• Gathering for reunions
• Gathering for baptisms and retirement parties
• Gathering to say goodbye

It won’t be long before you girls will be writing letters for a niece or nephew.  It won’t be long before you find yourself at your 40^th high school reunion. When you do, I hope you are in great health. I hope the electric bill has always been paid.  I hope you show up happy, with laugh lines around your eyes and peace in your heart.  I hope you have wonderful stories to tell and photo albums full of memories.  

And when, like your Grandma Rose, you arrive at the final stage of your life I hope you do so with the “peace of mind obtained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you are capable.”  

Uncle Jeff