On Marriage

Thirty six years ago next month, my wife’s grandparents had their 50^th wedding anniversary in Sedalia, Missouri.  Stacy and I were there, and I got to meet her grandparents and many of her relatives for the first time.  A week later her grandparents and relatives drove to St. Louis to witness our vows as we got married.  The idea of being with someone for 50 years seemed like a truly staggering thing to us at the time. 

Five. Decades.  Since then we have celebrated 50^th wedding anniversaries for both sets of our parents, as well as a number of family and friends who have reached this milestone. There is of course nothing magical about the number 50.  As I look around I realize that there are plenty of couples who, like us, are well on their way to the half century club, and several who are already there.

I could be wrong but I think all of those long term couples would agree that Marriage is a terribly flawed idea. 

Imagine if you will, starting your first job and making a vow that you would stay with one employer for your entire career, and then stay with them in retirement too.  Name a coworker that you would be willing to work with every day for the next 50 years.

The thing is...all we have to do is imagine 50 years in our own life.  No matter what, life will have ups and downs.  There are challenges for everyone.  There will be lots of times when each of us, over the course of five decades, will be completely, unreasonably wrong about something.  We will get angry and sad and crazy over 50 years, and so will our partners.  Imagine all of those mistakes and heartbreaks and disappointments.  How can anyone still love someone through all of that?

Marriage isn’t perfect because people aren’t perfect.  Life is hard regardless of your marital status.  You and people you love will lose jobs and have to move and get sick.  You will lose loved ones.  Money will be tight. Under the stresses of life we all struggle.

The truth is, you can’t do it alone.  You are going to need help dealing with all of the stuff that is going to happen over those 50 years.  You are going to have kids waking up at 2:46 am who need to be changed and you have an early morning and you still have dishes and laundry piled up and that report isn’t going to write itself and someone needs to tell you that they’ve got it and it will be alright and that you are going to make it because you are a team and neither of you are going anywhere and hugs are free.

Perfect people living in perfect circumstances can have perfect marriages, but that is not the nature of reality.  Marriage is not perfect but if you study history and culture you will note that it is not a quirk of history or something invented by western civilization.  Pairing up with another human for life to raise children and tackle the challenges of life together is an idea as old as humans. 

The key to marriage is that your partner can make a world of difference in helping you grow as a human.  And you can do the same for them.  Together, as a team, you are not just twice as effective.  There is a synergy in successful couples that is tangible.  They tackle life together and fill in for the weaknesses of the other.

You are both going to have emotional needs, and you are responsible for meeting each other’s needs.  You will need affection and reassurance and communication and respect and intimacy.  And you will both need to show interest in the things that are important to the other. 

This is how to create the synergy that makes marriage more than the sum of two people.

Last night we looked at some old pictures of Caitlin and Tommy, and of the weddings of family and friends.  Tommy, when I look at Caitlin I still see the little girl in those photos, and I always will.  Right now I feel as though my little girl has made an excellent choice.   I have never given away anything so valuable.  It would   feel like a loss, except that I have never gained anything so valuable either.

The two of you are marking your spot on the family tree.  This is the beginning of a new branch; the mixing of genetic lines and family traditions blended into the Caitlin and Tommy Hearst story.  The page is blank and you are both holding the pens.  It’s time to write this story. 

The Rakestraw clan has been enriched over and over, from the Tompkins and the Meltons and the Griffiths and the Aments.  But we have also joined ourselves with others, like the Beumers and Bodes and Qualls and Driesbachs, and now we are thrilled to be a part of the Hearst family.

You are all part of our family, and we look forward to pictures of all of you wasting your time with the Rakestraws, doing whatever it is we do.  Someday I want your grandkids to organize your 50^th wedding anniversary.  But for now I want you to know that today I speak for everyone in this room that we are all a part of TEAM HEARST.  Here is to Caitlin and Tommy!