Yesterday I went to see Mom and they were having a sing-along. I snuck in and got a picture before Mom saw me and then she (and they) insisted that I join in, so Mom and I sat side by side in matching rocking chairs and sang traditional American songs with the other residents. I must admit not only to having a great time but also to singing along with every word. Like Mom many of the folks have memory issues but they certainly remember the words to the songs they sang as children.
As we sat and sang I reflected on how fast the summer was whipping by. I find myself looking at the calendar and searching for the speed setting. I would like to slow it down a bit, please. I have had my head snapped back and forth with the pace of change in the past month and sometimes it takes a while to get your head around things before they change again.
It was the beginning of June when I met my family in Kentucky for a brief getaway on the family farm. We got together and camped and ate and played games. It is amazing how much fun can be had with something as simple as a game of badminton. In the midst of the fun we are all aware of the steady loss of Mom’s memory. She thoroughly enjoyed the trip and she is quite happy but her cognitive functions are deteriorating and we are all aware of it.
We left Kentucky early so that we could attend the Missouri State Track Meet where my nephew competed in the high jump. It had been years since I had attended a track meet and I was very drawn to the atmosphere and the competition. Here are talented young people working diligently toward goals and achieving them.
The next morning I was on an airplane to Minneapolis for a meeting of our business group. To cut costs we were asked to utilize light rail instead of all getting rental cars. The cultural differences between Webster County, Kentucky and downtown Minneapolis are too numerous to compile here but let’s just say they are on opposite ends of the scale. Minneapolis has an extremely diverse and hip urban culture which Webster County is lacking.
We had a great meeting over the course of a few days. Like all companies and business groups ours has to constantly evaluate how we are doing relative to our goals and we have to change course when the situation warrants it. This was a great meeting because our management team has recognized what we are doing right and wrong and they have actually changed the paradigm to get us back on track. I was and am excited about that.
As I shuffled back and forth from hotel to restaurant to airport I started to get a feeling of what this urban living must be like. Honestly, it is just as foreign to me as rural living is. I am a creature of suburbia and both of these “cultures”, though not far geographically, are vastly different in terms of lifestyle and perspective.
I flew back home and the following weekend was the annual float trip with my college buddies. It was another camping trip but as you might imagine the float trip with my friends was different than camping with family. I wrote about our float trips last year and suffice it to say they are always filled with lively discussions.
Brad started out with a discussion of the poverty in Central America and how he felt the US was responsible for its’ exploitative policies which had harmed the people down there. As you recall Brad is part of an organization that works to help the people down there. I agreed that exploiting people was wrong but argued that perhaps it was not up to us to set standards for other people.
I recently traveled back to Mexico on business and I have another trip coming up. On my last trip I noted some of the changes I saw, one of which was a lot of new housing construction around Reynosa. It is not housing that you will see in rural or suburban America but it is something I could imagine seeing in Minneapolis. The housing they are building is concentrated and utilitarian and decidedly urban. The living spaces are not large but they meet the needs of the people who live there.
We have a stereotype of Mexican people being poor and unhappy and living some sort of dreary existence. That has not been my experience. The people I have met seem to be much the same as Americans; they have lives and families and jobs and they enjoy the same things we do like food and family and games and drinks and friends.
A quick check of suicide rates per 100,000 people shows that Mexico has a rate of 4.4 while the rate in the US is 10.1. The US also leads Mexico in terms of drug use for cocaine, cannabis, tobacco, and alcohol. If we are struggling to bring what we have to the people of Mexico and Central America then perhaps we should think again.
It is easy to look at others and proclaim what you think their lives should look like but it is quite another to take a look at your own life and initiate all those positive changes while eliminating all bad habits. As I watched Chris Christie announce his candidacy for President for some reason I thought of The Biggest Loser and all of the hard work and struggle it takes for someone to work through their personal issues and conquer their demons and get back to healthy living.
Like Christie and so many others I have struggled from time to time with my weight and like most people I understand the complex set of issues that cause people to eat too much or drink too much or gamble or look at porn or do drugs. We are humans and we are incredibly complex as individuals, much less as society. I realize that if a person uses food as an outlet or escape then perhaps that is better than violence or drugs but it is still a coping mechanism.
The biggest loser participants are always amazed at the difference in the way they view life before and after weight loss. They are the same people, with the same reality, but without the baggage and burdens not only of the extra weight but of the chains of their addiction to food. The same shift in perspective occurs when people quit drinking or start exercising.
In the best case we may convert our frustrations into exercise or artwork, but we all have frustrations and we all need an outlet of some kind. We can debate whether drinking or overeating are logical responses but when frustration gets to a certain point logic goes out the door. We are humans, not robots. The best solution is to reduce frustration by managing our expectations of reality.
And that is where our perspective comes in. Our expectations are determined by our perspective on reality. And our perception of reality changes constantly. If we are hungry or sleepy or drunk we will see things from a completely different perspective than if we are full and rested and sober. Male readers will note the immense effect that testosterone can have on decision making, and I am sure estrogen has significant effects as well.
We had a baby shower for my son and daughter-in-law last weekend. My first grandchild is due to arrive any day now. We are hugely excited, as are the parents. A new little life will be entering the world. I think about the enormous and awesome task of raising a little child. All of the details from feeding and changing and car seats and the millions of little ways that we will be responsible for this little human and their newly created view of the world are humbling indeed.
And then my sister delivered the news that Mom’s lymphoma is back, and she will need more chemo. This poor gentle lady….Cancer sucks. More whiplash for my poor little perspective on life.
My wife and I then took a quick trip out to the Rocky Mountains before the baby comes to see Pike’s Peak. Another twist of perspective as we travel up the mountain on a cog railway. Breathing in the thin air, gazing out over the world from the top, the engineer informs us that the particular view we are looking at is the one that inspired the song America the Beautiful. I can see it, and I can imagine the emotions as this lady made her way up the mountain and experienced its breathtaking views.
Once on top I found myself wondering why it is that there must be so much pessimism and sadness in the world. I think the key lies in expectations. If we have all that we expect, we can be happy, but if our expectations are not met we struggle to find peace. If our expectations are simple and achievable like food and shelter and maybe an occasional game of badminton, then we can be happy. But if our expectations are wrapped up in the unachievable, like needing everyone’s approval, then we have a problem.
We also have a problem when we expect certain behaviors from everyone else. It is hard enough to fix ourselves but it is impossible to fix others. And that is why the responsibility of raising a child is such an awesome one. Parents have no choice but to set the basic world-view of the children they raise. Every parent understands what an impossible job it is to get everything right. Fortunately the only truly important part is to let the child know they are loved and that they are free to be themselves.
My daughter is Maid of Honor in her friend’s wedding and she put on a bridal shower for her yesterday. The bride is a very nice young lady with a great outlook on life. As they prepared for the shower I got ready to go see Mom and I also thought about marriage. Just as keeping your own life in balance is a daunting task, so is maintaining a relationship with someone over a lifetime. You will not always agree and you will not always get along. Your perspectives will be different and it takes a lot of communication to be on the same page.
I think the key is to have the humility to realize that our perspective is not the only one, and that others may not only NOT be wrong, their perspective may be a better one than ours. It is important to listen and understand others. It is important to realize that what makes sense in an urban setting may not make sense in a rural one. That what makes sense for a young person may make no sense for an older one. That what makes sense to you today may seem pretty crazy to you tomorrow.
We must never compromise on our principles and core values. But it is always important to listen and be open to new ideas. We have to teach our kids right from wrong, but we must also teach them to question everything. We should voice our opinions, but give respect to the opinions of others. Marriages, and children, and friends and coworkers need to be able to compromise and admit when they are on the wrong path, and not be so rigid that change is impossible.
And I think the same advice also applies to our society and our country. We need to do more listening. We need to try to understand the perspectives of others. Where we can, we need to compromise. We need to give individuals the chance to live their lives as they see fit, rather than forcing everyone to act the same. Liberty and freedom are deeply embedded in our culture for a reason.
The song leader asked Mom and I to turn to page 15 and sing along.
My country, Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of Thee I Sing
Land Where My Fathers Died
Land of the Pilgrim’s Pride
From Every Mountainside, Let Freedom Ring
Our Father’s God, To Thee
Author of Liberty, to Thee we Sing
Long may our Land be Bright with Freedom’s Holy Light
Protect Us by Thy Might, Great God, Our King
Mom smiled, but I am not sure she saw my tear.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/world/suiciderate.html
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