How Does One Measure A Father?

Yesterday I spent the day with a handsome young man by the name of Warren.  Warren is my grandson and he is ten months old.  My wife and I spent the day on the floor crawling around and making strange noises.  My grandson is a speed crawler, and he can pull himself up and stand, which means he can and will reach anything not bolted down.  We bought baby gates for the stairs and moved all the glass objects out of reach.  We drug out the little plastic trucks and the pots and pans.  It was the best day ever.

I found myself thinking about my son and his first Father’s Day.  Anyone who has raised a child knows that in many ways just keeping them alive the first year seems like a major accomplishment.  The fragility of a newborn is soon followed by concerns about a strange cough or why they won’t eat.  And just when they get big enough for you to stop worrying about them being fragile they become seekers of all things hazardous.  The worry does not end.

Today I am looking back on my own father and thinking about Mom and Dad and how they raised four of us without letting us kill ourselves somewhere along the line.  I know he had his worries about each of us as we made all kinds of mistakes and bad decisions.  Mom and Dad tried to do all the right things; taking us to church on Sunday and making us eat our vegetables and do our homework and making sure we were cared for and taught right from wrong.  They were not perfect, but they did a good job.

How does one measure a father?  Obviously we look to the product, the end result, and we decide based on how his children turn out, right?  Anyone who has been a father and watched your kids grow up knows that this is only one perspective, and an imperfect one at that.  If you have raised more than one child you know that your children come out of the womb with their own personality, their own genetics, and they are not all the same.  Nor do they all turn out the same, even when raised by the same people.

The other problem is in evaluating how each of your children “turned out”.  How do we judge a human being and determine if they are a “success” or a “failure”?  It is tempting to use measures such as income or education attained.  We can look at the size of their house or the awards they have received.  Those things are not unimportant, and whether we admit it or not we all use these external indicators to judge people.  But we also all know people who are successful by those measures that we would prefer not to spend time with.

As I watched Warren play yesterday I reflected on how I hoped he would turn out.  I did not find myself hoping that he would have a fabulous bank account and a fancy car.  I don’t want him to be poor, but I realize those are not the most important things in life.  My hope for my grandson is that he be happy and grounded and that he will be a person of character.  I hope he is thoughtful and kind and someone people want to be around.  And I hope that someday he is able to meet someone he loves and experience the joy and frustration of raising his own children.

A week or so ago I went to a meet-and-greet for Bev Randles, who is running for Lt. Governor here in Missouri.  The event was in Wentzville at a local establishment and there was a good crowd.  I said hello to Bev and carried some signs to my car and spoke to a few people and we posed for a few pictures.  I was having a discussion with my friend Jason when in walked my daughter and son with two of their friends.  I had spoken to them earlier about the event but did not think they could make it.  My daughter had heard Bev speak before and her boyfriend said they should all go meet her.

I should not have been surprised at this but to her great credit Bev Randles came right over and sat down and spoke to my kids for at least 10 minutes.  There was music playing and I could only hear some of what they were talking about, but it involved ideas for improving Missouri, including everything from tort reform to philosophy.  My kids are not shy and Bev spent a fair amount of time listening.  Eventually she had to talk to other guest and she moved on.

My daughter pointed out how awesome it was that someone would be so comfortable talking to what she described as “the young freaks”.   I tend to ignore the long hair and piercing and big beard that outwardly defined these four young people (Caitlin said Tommy was the only ‘normal looking’ one) because I know who they are and what their values are.  I knew that Adam and Caitlin would have no trouble carrying on an intelligent conversation in that situation. 

I do have to give kudos to Bev Randles, who is a parent of teenage kids and who knows what it means to look beyond appearance to the content of a person’s character.  My children are intelligent and hard-working and thoughtful, and they care about other people and their community.  I am not sure if she could tell that from a 10 minute conversation but all four of those young people were impressed with her for taking the time to listen and talk to them.

My oldest son Eric and his wife Lacy are both attorneys who live in St. Louis.  They have great jobs and multiple degrees and all of the outward appearance of success.  I am very proud of them for those things, but I am more proud of the obvious love and care they show to my grandson.  They are currently working their tails off finishing out the basement of their home in South St. Louis, to create a space that fits the needs of their little family.

I am proud of Eric for a lot of reasons but perhaps most because he has no problem disagreeing with me.  We have different ideas about a lot of things, and when he thinks I am off base he will let me know without holding back.  You may think this would be disappointing, but it is hugely satisfying for me.  To me, it is a sign that I was successful as a father. 

I was far from a perfect father, but my goal was to raise children who knew right from wrong, who cared for other people, and who were able to think for themselves.  Each of my kids is very different, but they each pass these three tests with flying colors.  They are respectful, kind, and intelligent.  They also appear to have each picked up that independent streak that means they refuse to conform to what other people expect of them, whether it is their outward appearance or willingness to challenge other people’s ideas.

As I sit and wonder what the future will hold for my grandson I am aware that Eric will have limited control over that future.  A father cannot ensure his child’s safety from all hazards.  Even the best parents find themselves dealing with children who get into trouble.  You can’t keep them away from all temptations or bad influences.  You can’t protect them from rejection or heartache or disappointment.  You can’t force them to make wise choices.

Because he is a human Warren will face difficulty from time to time.  Because he was born as a unique human being he will have a unique perspective on life, and a father cannot and should not try to change that.  Because he is free he will be free to make mistakes and bad choices from time to time.  Life is a struggle and it is neither easy nor simple.

It is a father’s job to prepare his children to deal with these difficulties and to provide the tools they need to deal with the adversity in life.  By loving and respecting his children and teaching them to respect others a father builds a child’s self-confidence and self-worth.  By setting a good example a father teaches his children core values.

My father was not perfect either, but I always knew he loved me.  He was not able to prevent me from making mistakes or bad choices but he tried to give us the tools we needed to deal with the troubles that we would inevitably face.  Dad is no longer with us physically but he lives on in the values he instilled in each of us. 

My Dad made mistakes like all fathers do, (like I did) but even that can provide a powerful lesson.  Everyone makes mistakes, and children can learn a great deal from a good father who owns his mistakes and works to correct them.  Later on when that child finds himself in a bad situation of his own making he can draw on his father’s experience to know how to react and how to do the right thing.

I want to wish my son Eric a happy first Father’s Day.  You are doing an awesome job so far.  And I want to thank my father and father-in-law for setting great examples for your families.  Neither of them are still with us, except in our memories and in our hearts.  Happy Father’s Day, Arch and Bob.  I only wish you were here to enjoy your great grandson, and I wish he could meet you.