Frustration and Boundaries

Frustration

The feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

Anger usually gets the top billing.  We are constantly reminded of the need to control our temper, lest it get the best of us.  But frustration is a close cousin of anger, and perhaps far more dangerous.

I will submit to you that of all of the emotions that humans can feel, frustration is perhaps simultaneously responsible for the greatest number of incredible achievements as well as most of the incredibly stupid decisions that humans make.

There is a lot that is wrong in the world, both in terms of our society and communities but also in our personal lives.  Life is a struggle and whether it is money or health issues or addictions or relationships we all find ourselves striving to stay ahead of a persistent Murphy that seems intent on wrecking our lives.

There are legitimate things to be angry about.  We see people being mistreated daily on the news, whether on the other side of the globe or on the local news.  We see things like a $19 trillion federal debt and kids who are not being educated and people struggling to find jobs.  It is not rational to look at some of these things and NOT feel angry.

Sometimes, the problem lies entirely within us.  We know we should eat right but we really like ice cream.  We know we can’t afford something but we buy it anyway.  We know we should take care of a ticket or a bill but we procrastinate.  Maybe we like the way beer tastes and so we taste it a lot.  Maybe one day we realize we can’t stop.

It is human to be imperfect.  It is a natural human emotion to be angry at things we see that are wrong and to want to see wrongs made right.  It is a good sign that we at least recognize what is wrong and have the desire to see it change.  Unfortunately, sometimes we do not appear to have the means.

We see the chaos that is going on the Mideast with not just war but the torture and killing of innocent women and children and we know it is wrong but at some point we must admit that we may not have the means to make it stop.  It does not mean we should not try.  It does not mean that we accept what it going on.  It does not mean that we turn a blind eye or take no action.  It is a simple acknowledgment of the reality that our influence is limited.

You may have a loved one with an addiction.  You recognize the problem.  You want to see the problem resolved and the loved one back to normal.  But you must first acknowledge that your influence is limited.  Only the person with a behavior problem can fix their problem.  You can help.  You can care and you can be a part of the solution, but you cannot change someone else’s behavior.  Only they can do that.

We all look at the problems in places like Ferguson and Chicago and we know that there are things that need to change.  We care and we want to help.  But our influence is limited.  Most of us do not live in those places.  We do not walk those streets or try to educate those kids or help people find jobs.  It does not mean we don’t care.  We are not turning a blind eye or giving up.  These problems still need to be fixed; the issues are still real. 

Frustration is dangerous because in our attempt to fix problems we may reach for solutions that will not only be ineffective but which will ultimately be worse in the long run.  Perhaps we will try to cure our loved one’s addiction by forcing them to do this or that or by trying to micromanage their life.  You could try to monitor them all day to make sure they don’t relapse.

On an international scale we might try threatening other countries.  We can arm their enemies and cut off trade and even bomb or invade countries.  Saber rattling and bully pulpits can sometimes change behaviors. 

We make laws to change behaviors.  We outlawed heroin to make sure people didn’t use heroin.  But the law didn’t work.  Neither did the laws against shooting people.

Let me suggest that the proper solution to all of these situations might be the proper applications of the principle of Boundaries.  There is a great deal of misconception about what boundaries are and how they are used and what they can achieve.  There is also a misconception about how difficult that is.  Let’s just say it’s not easy, but it is effective.

First of all, setting boundaries is NOT about telling OTHER people they must change THEIR behavior.  Setting boundaries is all about what WE will do.  A boundary statement would sound something like, “If this thing happens, I will do that”.  It describes what you will do in a specific event.  Perhaps a wife would say, “If you ever slap me again I will immediately move out and file for divorce”.  It does not (necessarily) restrict her husband’s behavior; rather it describes what her behavior will be.

Here comes the hard part.  This takes a LOT of thought because whatever you say you will do, YOU HAVE TO DO.  The good part is that you get to decide; the bad part is that you are bound to your words.  So it is important to carefully consider what boundaries you set.

The next hard part is that it must be communicated beforehand.  You need to make sure the other parties understand how you will act under a certain set of circumstances, and they have to understand that you will act upon your words.  Once you tell them they may have legitimate concerns.  You need to listen and if needed correct your boundary if they have a valid point.

You must be careful not to bring nuclear weapons to a knife fight.  Whatever intolerable situation you face, you must carefully consider what kind of reaction is appropriate and whether or not you will actually be comfortable taking the action.  On the other hand, a consequence that will not be enough to correct the problem will just add stress and dysfunction.

And what is the purpose of these boundaries anyway?  The answer is that the consequences for actions should rest with people who choose those actions.  If there is overspending on the part of an individual or family or business or government then the consequences of bad decisions should rest right where the bad decision was made.  We establish boundaries to protect ourselves from the consequences of the poor decisions of others.

As we choose a new leader for our country and state we need to pick leaders who understand the need to clearly state boundaries that express our nation and state's values and then to back up the words with actions.  Just like with individuals this is difficult because we have to start by understanding our core values and articulating them, along with what actions we will or will not take if they are violated.

Our leaders need to clearly understand these things.  Sadly, many do not.  They are stuck on the notion that they can control the behaviors of others.  They cannot.  What controls behavior is experiencing the natural consequences of the actions you take.  What controls behavior is having a clear understanding of how others will react to what you do. The only behavior we can control is our own.

When we get frustrated with the inability to change things we often make mistakes, including mistakes in choosing leaders.  It is tempting to choose someone who promises to fix problems.  The Germans learned what a mistake that was in the 1940’s.  Other times, it is tempting to seek revenge and total societal change, but as the French learned it is better to keep your head. 

On the other hand, frustration with the King lead our Founders to establish this great nation.  Fortunately they took the time to consider their core values and the reason for their actions and then they clearly communicated them to the King and to the world.  The thoughtfulness and clarity they used is evidence of their clear understanding and concern for boundaries.

Frustration is what causes people to invent things.  It is what motivates us to change and improve our society.  It is the reason individuals accomplish great things.  But it can also be the road to despair and bad decisions.  We need to use our frustration as motivation to examine our lives and our society.  We must ask ourselves what we have power over and what we do not.  And then we need to consider what we can do that is within our sphere of influence.

If we all start working to let the natural consequences of one’s actions drive their future decision making, if we can use frustration to motivate us, and if we can clearly communicate our boundaries to others, then we can make substantial progress in removing the dysfunction in our world.