The Next Chapter

Mom did not want to play Bingo.  She also was not interested in playing trivia or dominoes or working on puzzles.  My sister and I locked eyes briefly and she caught me rolling mine.  This was Mom’s first day in the assisted living facility and clearly she did not want to be there.  It was a rough day for us all but we knew it was the right thing.My Mother was born in 1937, and so chronologically she is amongst her peers.  Sure, there are a range of ages here, with one gentleman topping the century mark, but generally speaking the residents are all close to Mom’s age.  There are a range of physical and mental abilities as well.  Many use walkers and they all move a bit slow.  Some of them are sharp as a tack and some are, well, not so much.

“Do you really think I belong in here?” Mom asked me.

“Where do you think you should be Mother?” I asked.

“Kentucky” is always the answer.  I explained that none of us live in Kentucky and she cannot live alone.  She knows that, but she keeps forgetting.  I asked her if she remembered how lonely she used to be when she lived alone, before she moved in with my sister.  She does not remember.

She also doesn’t remember moving out of her house.  Or what we discussed just a short time ago.  My mother’s memory is going, and has been for some time.  The labels don’t matter much; perhaps it is Alzheimer’s.  She certainly has Aphasia, which means she has trouble remembering words.  When I came back to visit a couple of days later she told me she thought “it” was getting worse.  I nodded and smiled at her.  She knows I understand.

Moving Mom into an assisted living center has been emotionally draining and yet on some level it is a relief.  Mom had been living with my sister, who has done an amazing job of caring for her.  There is a concern with slipping and falling, especially when doing things like bathing.  There are prescriptions that need to be taken and food to prepare and clothing to be washed and sorted. Considering the very personal nature of the care Mom needed my sister was the only one really capable of caring for her on a daily basis.  She did a great job, but we were all aware that this was not a forever solution.  My sister and her husband have two young girls and work and activities and lives to lead.  Anyone who has raised a family knows that life gets hectic and chaotic and that Mothers and daughters sometimes disagree. 

We all need things to look forward to and some entertainment and excitement and activity.  Children often look to their parents to provide entertainment and parents need to encourage their children to learn to entertain themselves.  Aging parents can often have the same need to be entertained, but when they have limited abilities both physically and mentally this can be a challenge.

And so – the time came to start a new chapter.

The assisted living facility offers activities and people to talk to and meals and supervision and a nurse to make sure medications are taken.  There is help with bathing and personal care from qualified professionals who do these things for a living.  And there are residents who understand if you forget a word or two. 

One thing Mom said really struck me.  She said she never ever thought she would end up in “this kind of place”, as though there was some kind of shame or embarrassment involved.  I asked her where she thought she would end up and she just shrugged.

Our situation is not unique.  Many of you have been through this already or are going through it now.  My mother-in-law lives alone and still drives and should be doing neither.  There is a wonderful couple living next door to me and they are the same age as my mother.  The lady has apparently started showing signs of the same aphasia that my mother has.  I have relatives and friends whose parents are or have been in the same situation, and I know it is very difficult.

It occurs to me that we might all be better off giving more thought to the end before we get there.  Some do, of course, but many have no real plans for the final chapters of their life.  Married folks often assume that they will both be together forever but that is not the way it happens.  One partner goes first, and more often than not it is the wife who outlives the husband.  Either way the surviving spouse is often left with a house and yard and car and life to take care of alone.

If you have children there is an expectation that they will take care of you when you are old and most children are more than happy to do so.  But there are jobs to go to and children to care for and lots of other things to consider.  At some point driving becomes unsafe.  People become fall hazards.

Everyone needs a will and some money saved for retirement.  Couples need to sit down and plan what will happen under a range of possibilities.  This is uncomfortable but worth every minute.  Parents need to decide who will take care of their children if something happens.  And children need to get together and talk about what they are going to do when their parents can no longer care for themselves.

Assisted living and retirement homes and nursing homes are expensive.  Mom is fortunate that she has monthly income to cover a portion of the cost and savings to cover the rest, at least for a few years.  Other options include adult day care and in-home care and we may consider other options as time goes by and after we evaluate this arrangement for a while.

Everyone’s story is different.  We are all writing our own book, with many chapters.  Some books end abruptly, without a nice happy ending, such as John F Kennedy or Martin Luther King or Janis Joplin.  They wrote a great first half of the book and then there were nothing but blank pages, unwritten.  Others, like Betty White, are still writing vibrant and exciting chapters in what is already a thick and fascinating book.

We all face the randomness of life, with its curve balls and unexpected twists.  Our plans may not become reality.  The story may not turn out the way you want.  But if you live long enough you will face things like incontinence and memory loss and loss of driving privilege and the reality that you can no longer take care of a home with a yard. 

My mother is a strong woman.  She has a bit of a stubborn streak, and so she did not ever want to drive or learn to use the computer or these newfangled cell phones.  She gave an incredible amount of love and care to her family and neighbors and friends, and in return she relied on us to help her with some of those gaps in her life.  We are happy to help her but there are sometimes limits to what we can do.

As she begins this new chapter Mom is beginning to embrace her situation, even if she is not thrilled with it.  She has made friends and participated in a few activities and she is getting into a routine.  Her book is already a long and mostly happy story. 

Born into poverty, her father had raised world famous tracking dogs but was 65 when Mom was born and retired and mainly enjoyed his whiskey.  My grandmother was his second wife and a wonderful and sweet lady.  Mom married Dad and they moved to St. Louis with Chrysler and raised four kids in Ellisville.  They made great friends and saw their kids through high school and college and helped put a couple through medical schools.

Dad’s story ended six years ago due to lung cancer.  His birthday is September 1^st, and if he were still alive he would be 85 today.  I plan to go check on Mom today and I will mention Dad’s birthday to her.  Sometimes she remembers things like that but these days she does not check the calendar that much.

She has cooked more meals than anyone can count and waited on her husband and kids and grandkids and great grandkids for many years.  She loves her grandchildren dearly, the oldest of which is now thirty and has kids of her own. She spoiled everyone and enjoyed every minute of doing so.  But now it is her turn.  I hope she learns to play Bingo and put together puzzles and talk endlessly with her new friends and enjoy eating food without cooking or washing dishes or doing laundry or cleaning.

I hope she reads books and sits by the waterfall outside her room and learns to play every game and participates in every activity.  We will come by and visit her and bring her home for weekends and dinners and watch the inevitable decline in her memory while smiling and nodding our understanding when she forgets words.

I have not finished reading her book because the final chapters are not written yet.  But I can tell I am nearing the end.  There are a lot more pages that have been turned than remain to be read.  Like all readers I want a happy ending.  I will let you know how it turns out.