My mother has put her house up for sale. It is not the house I grew up in, but it was nevertheless a place where family gathered for many years to celebrate holidays and spend time visiting with Mom and Dad and the rest of the family. But after a number of years without Dad it has become apparent that living alone in that house is not the right thing for her. Mom has a standing offer to come and stay with us, and an open bedroom (except for all the Sparkly Life ribbons and bows), that she knows she can sleep in, and I am hopeful she is ready to take us up on that. My sister lives not far away and has been the primary caretaker for Mom and she knows she can also go there.
This decision seems sudden. One day Mom just up and called the Realtor and now there is a sign and there have been showings and my sister and brothers and I are thrilled. This seems sudden but it is not. Mom does not drive and since Dad died a few years back she has still tried to live at home and has done well but living alone is tough at any age and can be very lonely for an older person who cannot get out and drive. And though we are all thrilled that Mom will not be alone any more we are sad about the house, and the memories, and the stuff….
Bear with me a moment while I talk about the stuff. The stuff comes in two types, one type being those things my Mom collected and kept these many years and is now ready to give to me as she clears out her household and prepares for a new phase in her life. The other crap was that stuff that belonged to Dad that she had left exactly where it was for the last five years and wanted “gone” as soon as possible.
I will get back to the stuff in a moment but first let me talk about the crap. My Mom’s junk was my Dad’s treasure. Dad and Mom were different in many respects; one was in what they valued, what they were interested in. Another was the way they organized and the way they thought about things. Dad kept lots of things; as a Depression baby he did not want to let anything go to waste. Everything had value and could be salvaged. Mom also felt that some things had value beyond the face value and were worth preserving.
So with the help of my wife and my daughter we filled two carloads with Mom’s stuff and brought them to our house where we will sort out the things they kept and valued. At least, the tangible things. I will sort the tool boxes and look at each bear, but I will remember the Rook games. I will laugh at your pictures and remember the meals and the talk of politics and world events. I will remember my contrarian father and my shy and quiet mother with the spine of steel and heart of gold.
As Thanksgiving approaches we are still suffering from the death of my father-in-law and the adjustment that my mother-in-law is going through. Mom’s decision is the right one but the timing makes our lives fuller. Let’s just say we will need to remember more as Mom remembers less. We will enjoy a turkey and feast and family and babies and cousins and we will have games and laughter and maybe a few tears like always.
My life is not perfect, and my family is not perfect and my friends are not perfect either. Like a jumbled tool box full of things some of which are of questionable value there are also some great finds and things we want to keep. Our tendency is invariably to set aside the jumble of stuff for later and sort it out later. But if I do that I will end up with unusable space on my work bench.
Expanding the analogy, perhaps it is time for all of us to come together and re-examine the good and bad in our society, our government, and our culture, and sort out what we still value and what we do not. There are a lot of bad ideas out there that we are still clinging to out of sentimentality but which we need to box up and put away. There are some real gems that we have forgotten.
Many of us have decided that there is nothing of value before opening the box. One glance and we know, in the blink of an eye that there is no value in that one. Let me suggest that we will not see real value if we are just sizing up my Dad’s things with my Mom’s eyes, or sizing up Mom’s things through Dad’s eyes. We do in fact need a certain synergy in order to make us successful. We need to show loyalty to our imperfect family and friends so they know they have a support system and people looking out for them. And we know we have to be accountable to people that know and love us.
And if I may be so bold, perhaps as political parties we need to be aware that we are a collection of imperfect partners that have different values but common goals and we need to come together to achieve a greater good.
I would never suggest compromising on values but we need to work together on tactics and come together in order to bring about the vision we see, while realizing reality will always be imperfect, and mixed up with crooked nails. Life is a pain in the ass.
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